He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
