I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
