My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
