I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
