You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
