The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
