Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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