Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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