Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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