I'm going to rape someone's good day.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
