I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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