please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
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at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
ok first of all what the fuck
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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