You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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