I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
