my shit smells like andre
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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