The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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