gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
