After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
