I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
