I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
