I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
