Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
The best revenge is premature balding
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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