i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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