I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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