Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
