i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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