tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
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She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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