forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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