i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
