My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
