she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
