wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Rumble strips road head = magical
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
