he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
