we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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