Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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