it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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