Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
