i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
