Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
