When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize