I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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