I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
