This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I pour the whiskey from now on
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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