I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
