if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
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you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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