I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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