Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
