It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're too hungover to prance.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
