there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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