Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
