I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
