I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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